To go or not to go...

...now THAT is the question.

Last year in February I went on my first real mission trip. I got a passport and headed to Mexico for a week with some of my church family. It was such a wonderful time. Meeting new people, doing things I wouldn't normally do, growing in my faith. Awesome.

Our church goes to this same area about twice a year and I knew another trip would be coming up in 2011. While I felt a huge pull to go last year I hadn't really felt that for the 2011 trip.

In addition to Mexico, our church family took several other mission trips last year and one of them was to Haiti. This was our first trip to Haiti. I really wanted to go. But I'd gone to Mexico just a few months before and I honestly didn't feel a huge pull to go.

Then about a month ago I was in church and during worship my heart just started burning. Nothing was even mentioned about missions but I just all of the sudden felt a huge burning in my heart to do another mission trip. I wanted to go back to Mexico in February. I wanted to join the Haiti team for the March trip.

I mentioned the desire to my husband. Then I contacted a friend who went to Haiti in the fall of 2010. Then I met with her. And oddly enough, without even planning it, another person integrally involved in this mission just happened to be at our meeting place.

After much prayer I decided that I would go to Haiti.

Now I'm continuing to pray.

Today I got an email regarding the most recent travel warning for Haiti. I'm not gonna lie. It's scary. Real scary. I have prayed a lot since getting and reading this information. When I got it, I went right to the website and read it.

Travel Warning.

Lots of details about the risks of traveling to Haiti right now. All the horrible awful things that could happen to you. Burglary. Kidnapping. Murder.

Then I searched any information on the area I'm wanting to adopt from. Know what I found? The same exact information with the same exact travel warning. There are some adoption agencies that require escorts to pick up your children. In the last week however, I've found out that the country will no longer allow an escort and you have to travel yourself.

It's all a lot to take in. As much as I'm feeling that pull and desire to go it's still scary. I was 19 when my Mom died of cancer. It has been so hard getting married and having children and growing older without my Mom.

My fear of dying isn't that great. If I die doing something that my God has lead me to...I have no fear. This song was one of the first I heard right after hearing of the new travel restrictions to Haiti...

And I will fear no evil
For my God is with me
And if my God is with me
Whom then shall I fear?
Whom then shall I fear?
~Matt Redman

My biggest fear, having matured as an adult without my Mom, is that my own children won't have their Mom around. I can't stand that thought.

So I'm praying. Tomorrow I'll attend a meeting about our trip. I will be praying that my intentions for this trip are truly what I should be doing and will be blessed.