Monday, November 3, 2014

Three years

I can't believe that it's been three years since I last wrote in this blog.  A blog where I hoped to share personal information.  Perhaps information on a journey to adoption that I thought would take place.  If I remember correctly, I actually thought that since I had my business blog as well, that I would share information about my personal life there and sort of  merge the two.  That never really happened either.

At church yesterday morning I was incredibly emotional.  Somewhere between the sermon and getting home after lunch I remembered that this blog existed.  And so, I wanted to come and update a bit.  More just as a recollection of things that I will have to look back on in the future. 

So, as you know if you have ever read this blog before, I feel a strong conviction to adopt.  At one point, I thought we were on the road to do just that.  However, over the years my husband has just never been in complete agreement.  I've prayed, fasted, nagged, prayed some more, given him time, etc.  I've even gone so far as to pray that the conviction to adopt would be taken away from ME if it wasn't to happen.  Yet it never does.  In the last couple of years I've just let it go.  Choosing to just bury it deep down as far as I could.  There are times when I've actually thought that we shouldn't adopt anyway.  It's messy, it's hard, I'm not cut out for it.  Yet every time I think that, I feel even more convicted that I'm supposed to.  It hurts to feel disobedient, but it hurts more to think that I would be given this calling and have a spouse that just never agrees to it. 

Our church has an adoption ministry and yesterday they hosted "The Spark".  In the information about what that is we were told that "There are many sparks that can lead a family to adopt or become foster families.  Mission trips, watching others go before you, reading a specific book, attending a conference, a sermon, a tragic accident....  Ultimately, as followers we believe it is a spark from our gracious God.  He calls us to live radical lives in light of his extravagant love.  If God has whispered to you about adoption or foster care, we invite you to join us for this come and go event."  Before one of these events probably a year ago, Brad asked if I'd like to go. Um, YES.  Then something happened and we were unable to attend.  So this time I had hoped that he might just ask again.  I didn't want to nag.  I didn't want to even bring it up.  I wanted it to be his decision to get more information. 

As we walked down the hallway to the sanctuary I saw my friend Rande at the Spark table and stopped to say hi.  Brad asked what it was, I told him, and that was that. 

That was all it took.  The awareness of his non-interest and the tugging on my heart that just continue to fight against each other.  I was pretty much a mess after that.  I tried to do my usual bury-it-ignore-it thing but it was just no use yesterday. 

Our worship set started with what has been one of my favorite songs for the last 6 months or so.  "Lord I Need You."  As I stood there, praying for that tug to just go away I sang, "Without you, I fall apart.  You're the One, that guides my heart."

"Lord, guide my heart somewhere else.  I can't do this any longer."

We started our next song and I sang along, "You call me out upon the waters.  The great unknown, where feet may fail."

"Lord, my feet are great right here.  I can't do the hard stuff on my own."

"And there I find you in the mystery.  In ocean's deep, my faith will stand."

"I just don't know Lord.  It's super duper scary.  Will you REALLY be there?  I'm afraid my faith won't stand."

"Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me, You've never failed, and you won't start now."

"Ok, that answers that I guess."

At this point I had to take my glasses off to try to do something about the tears streaming down my face.  We continued to sing...

"Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders, let me walk upon the waters, wherever You would call me."

"Ouch.  I know where you've been leading me.  Why haven't You led my husband there too?"

"Take me deeper than my feet would ever wander, that my faith would be made stronger, in the presence of my Savior"

It was at this point that I remembered this article that I had read about why we should stop singing this song.  The author suggested that we not sing Oceans, because as we sing about being led to where our trust is without borders, do we REALLY mean that?  Are we willing to do what He is calling us to do?  No matter how ugly or messy or insanely difficult it may be?

"So what?  I'm supposed to just do this on my own?  Am I supposed to convince him on my own?  I need help.  I want to go where You lead me.  I think.  Maybe.  I know I've failed Lord, I just don't know what to do."

"A thousand times I've failed, still Your mercy remains."  We're singing the next song now.

"This is a joke right?  Is someone in  my head?  I mean, someone OTHER than you Lord?"

"Your will above all else, my purpose remains. The art of losing myself in bringing you praise."

More tears.  Lots and lots and lots of tears.

So here I am, at yet another fork in the road.  Unsure of where to go, what to do, and how to get there.  Prayer's appreciated.