Fear

I'm home from Mexico. It was an amazing trip. People keep asking me how it was and I just stumble to find the words to explain what I experienced for 8 days. I don't know that I can ever accurately describe it. It is truly something that a person needs to experience on their own to understand.

Today I am weepy. I'm not really sure why. My head just seems to be spinning. I have a list of things to do that is a mile long but my heart just isn't in any of them. I feel now more than ever that I need to DO something. I had this thought to write today about my fear and was led towards that even more after my Bible study this morning. I got on the computer to do just that and then had a change of heart and thought I'd share some about my trip. About how I'm weepy today and I can't stop thinking of everything I experienced while I was gone. Then I clicked on a link that took me to a link that brought me to this. I knew then that I'd talk about my fear.

I hate that I'm afraid. I hate that I can't just trust and obey. I think that might be why I'm so weepy. I loved Mexico but it's nice to be home in my warm comfortable bed and showering in a hot shower with water who's streams cover my whole body instead of just a tiny portion at a time. I dreamed last night that my family bought a new house and in fixing it up I just couldn't stop remembering my current house and how much I loved it. I woke up angry that I felt that way. Angry that I cared so much about a stupid house.

Am I the woman in Katie's blog entry? The one who says I wish I could do this but then just goes back home to my warm shower and king size bed and sits and waits for the next opportunity to serve for a short amount of time. I don't want to be her. I want to be the person who does what He asks. What does that look like for a wife and mother? I truly believe that God wants me to adopt. I also believe that He wants me to do more than that and live missionally. How do I be obedient to Him when that affects so many others? When the "others" aren't feeling the same thing I am? When I'm so scared and full of questions that I'm just weepy?

Wow

I'm typing this from Mexico. Piedras Angular to be exact. I'm here on my first mission trip, which is why I haven't been very vocal here. It takes a lot for me to plan to be away from my family for 8 days.

Years ago when my pastor would talk about mission work I would feel a tug on my heart. Since then, I have continued to feel that tug and realized that I truly felt God was leading me to mission work. When my church started talking about the trip to Mexico in February 2010 I decided I would go. As it got closer I got more nervous. Like, really nervous. The day before I left I was a basket case. I couldn't stop crying. Everything I thought about made me well up with tears. I wondered what I was thinking getting involved in this. I thought I couldn't possibly be away from my family for this length of time. I imagined that there was absolutely nothing that I could contribute to this trip.

Wow.

I'm amazed at everything that I'm feeling. I've made some great new friends. I've experienced living in a completely different way. I've seen people who are just happy to be serving our Lord. I was trusted to operate a nail gun and other power tools that I don't know how to spell. I spent the morning at a school painting a mural followed by time in an orphanage that I will never forget.

Wow. Just...wow.