I just sent this message out to the amazing women in my life group. I spent most of our time Sunday with tears in my eyes. I couldn't help it. I'm a crybaby.
So, I had a bit of a rough day on Sunday.
Brad said that after our life group he got all sorts of texts asking if we were ok. We are. Most definitely. And while we did have a bit of a tiff Sunday morning (I wanted to go to Madi's Volleyball tournament, there wasn't enough room for everyone, I really had stuff I should stay home and do, so he got to go and I was jealous...basically I was being a big baby.) that had absolutely nothing to do with the fact that I couldn't look at a single person Sunday without crying.
I'm a bit of a weeper. There are times when everything just seems to hit me like a ton of bricks and I can do nothing but cry. Every commercial, every kind look from a friend, every thought that comes to my mind...everything just makes me weepy. And let me tell you, there isn't a whole lot more frustrating for Brad then to have me be like that. We've been married 17 years. We've had the following conversation, um, a few times.
"What's wrong? Why are you crying?"
"I don't know."
"What do you mean you don't know? You HAVE to know why you're crying."
"I don't know. I'm just crying."
"That makes no sense"
And then I cry even more
So Sunday morning at church we talked about the Holy Spirit and pretty much every word that was said and every song that was sung made me tear up. Then at life group Sunday night it wasn't much better. I'm not a very good communicator. At all. So even if I sort of know why I'm weepy it's not generally something that I can explain. It makes sense in my head (sort of) but if I try to verbalize that issue it makes no sense and I'm left feeling like whoever I'm talking to thinks I'm a complete and total idiot.
The fact of the matter is that between my friend next to me being sweet and giving me the occasional pat and our leader encouraging us to share I knew that if I even thought about opening my mouth it was going to be bad. Like one of those big fat ugly cries where you can't catch your breath and your start snorting when you try to. Super Duper Ugly Cry. And since I'd met Brad at group since he'd been in Tulsa all day I wanted to talk with him first. Of course once we got home I couldn't talk with him either, because I couldn't talk without crying. I didn't want to frustrate him by crying and I had no idea that he thought I was angry with him. (Which apparently he did. So he brought it up just before my entire sophomore YG came over on Monday morning which threw me into a hysterical sobbing fit just in time for the first car load of people to show up and wonder what the heck was going on. Awesomeness.)
So really the whole issue was/is just that I'm confused. It's not a whole lot different than most of the other comments from group on Sunday night. In the last several years I have felt like I have really grown in my faith. Then there are days that I feel like Teagan must know more than I do because I'm so confused by it all. I feel like the Holy Spirit is active in me but then I doubt if that's truly what it is or as my pastor Jim said Sunday if it's just a "bee in my bonnet". I'm tired of our house not selling. I'm tired of feeling led to do things that cost money (adopt, missions, etc) and not being strong enough to just say "let's do it, God will make it work" because there is always that doubt that it's that buzz of the bee and not really from Him. I'm basically just tired.
Brad told a friend the other day that he thought if he came home from work and told me he'd quit his job and thought that we should move to some remote village in Africa that I'd be ok with that. He's right. I really would. I'd have us all packed up and ready to go by the end of the week. Because I would feel like we were finally really DOING something. I think God has something really huge in store for my family. I feel like, actually I KNOW that there has to be more than this. But what is it? When will I know? WILL I ever know? Or am I just going to end up someday in Heaven saying, "Oh THAT'S what you wanted from me? Why didn't you tell me?!"
So there you have it. That, in a nutshell of jumbled thoughts and words, is what is going on with me. Thank you for listening to me. I truly do appreciate each and every one of you and am so thankful to have you in my life! And if I don't tell you in person enough, it's because I'll do the ugly-cry if I do and really...no one needs to see that.