Tuesday, November 23, 2010

The homestead

So...there's this property for sale. It's in our town. It's really old. It needs lots and lots and lots of tlc. There is enough room for all of us. Plus, there are all sorts of spots on the property that I could use for my photography business. I actually found this spot a month or so ago when looking at newly listed properties. I immediately felt like it would be a great place for our family.

Problem is, our house still hasn't sold. In fact it's been nearly 3 months since anyone has even looked at it.

Sometimes I just wish I knew God's plan. It would make things so much easier. Is our house going to sell? Are we going to end up on this land, the land that Madi has dubbed "the Homestead"? What does the next few years hold for us?

So many questions.

Can I get some answers?


Pretty please?

I'll even throw in a whole lotta sugar on top!

Monday, November 8, 2010

Fill me up

Our church has been doing a series titled "Echo" this fall. It is focused on our response to the gospel call and each week we have dealt with a different topic in the gospel.





Be Baptized

Filled with the Holy Spirit

On Sunday nights our life group meets and we go over the sermon from that morning. I always enjoy meeting with my life group. The fact that our family is with the group of people that we are is something that I have no doubt that the Holy Spirit had his hand in. While I enjoy the group though, I don't feel like I contribute much in the way of discussion. I'm more of a sit-and-observe type when it comes to that type of situation.

Last night was different.

We talked about being filled with the Holy Spirit. About feeling convicted and led to do something and how we knew that it was the Holy Spirit. One of my friends mentioned that he felt like there was no other explanation sometimes and that it had to be the Holy Spirit because he would be led to do things that were just not characteristically "normal" for him.

That's when I chimed in. This past year + I have felt more filled with the Holy Spirit than I ever have. I can remember thinking just a couple short years ago that a couple I knew who were adopting must be doing it because of fertility struggles. Because honestly, I had no idea why you would adopt otherwise.

Really. That's what I thought.

Then God started working on me. Working on me in all sorts of different ways. He truly broke my heart for what breaks His. That little adoption seed had been planted and I started to get it. Instead of wondering why a couple would choose to adopt I struggled to understand why more couples weren't doing it.

And so, when my friend last night said that he knew the Holy Spirit was working in him when he did certain things because they were out of character I agreed. And I talked. Out loud.

And I added a little twist.

What if, you are led to do something that seems so out of character but then looking back you realize it's not out of character at all. Like adoption. That thing that once seemed so distant. Yet looking back, even as far as your own childhood, you can see all sorts of things that led you to where you are now.

And it's then that you realize that He has been there all along. Working on you all these years and just waiting for you to ask Him.

Fill me UP Lord!

Monday, November 1, 2010


So our church is doing this 10 Days project with our local college students. When my family first started hearing about it I think we all kind of thought it sounded like something we should do. No one really mentioned it though. Until the weekend before it started and my husband and I just kind of looked at each other and said, "So, are we gonna do it?" We are.

My family is a bit too into our caffeinated beverages. We aren't big coffee drinkers but pop is a big thing. Mostly for Brad and me. Mostly for me really. Brad can go with just water and maybe one pop a day. I on the other hand wake up craving Diet Pepsi. So I have one and then I have another around lunch time and then maybe another around 3:00 and then one or two (or three) at dinner time. I try to not let the kids drink it but they sure love Dr. Pepper/Diet Dr. Pepper. It's a bad habit that I've allowed them to start early. So we figured we'd give this whole "Drink Water to Give Water" campaign a try.

We are currently on day 8 with just 2 days left. I've gotta be honest here...I really wasn't sure we'd all make it this far. Last Monday when we started the Today show did a story about the cholera outbreak in Haiti. While the kids and I were up and getting ready for school and whining about not being able to have anything but water for breakfast our tv showed images like this one.

(People suffering from cholera-like symptoms lay on the floor at a hospital run by the Haitian government where Médecins Sans Frontières is treating people. October 27, 2010 in St. Marc, Haiti. Photo by Spencer Platt/Getty Images)

I took the opportunity to tell the kids that this is why we are drinking water only for 10 days. The money we would have spent on other drinks during those 10 days will go towards building wells in Africa so that this sort of thing can be prevented. We know that it is going to take a whole lot more than our family of 6 drinking water for 10 days to really make a difference, but we can help. So while that news story helped a bit and gave most of us the focus we needed to get started it didn't really do much for my 10 year old daughter Sadie. She doesn't like water. At. All. Watching the story my youngest was obviously sad about the people she saw on the screen. Sadie...not so much. She just really wanted a big glass of milk with breakfast. And the opportunity to have some Dr. Pepper with dinner. I figured I was in for a pretty long 10 days with that one.

Then something really really awesome happened. She whined a bit. We all did really. But when one of us wanted a pop there was someone else there to say we couldn't have one. Sadie and Teagan shared what they were doing with their classmates. Then they shared with me that some of their friends had decided to join in and participate too. On Thursday after school when we were pressed for time we stopped at the gas station for an after school snack. I was sure to remind the girls that they couldn't have a pop and expected to have eyes rolling and a bit of whining and was thrilled when they both said, "we know."

Then we got in the car and Sadie shared the COOLEST story with me. She told me that her friend Macy had decided to join in and drink water only. Macy's Dad was already doing it at home but Macy wasn't and since she saw Sadie put her milk back at school she thought she'd do the same. A little boy at their table asked why they were taking their milks back and so the girls explained the 10 Days program to him. He said, "Well, your parents won't ever know if you have a milk at school. Why don't you just sneak one?" to which the girls explained in a very matter-of-fact way that then they wouldn't be sacrificing anything.


She gets it. She REALLY gets it!

I can't tell you how my heart fluttered when I heard that. The daughter that I thought was most likely to spend 10 days whining and crying and begging for pop is out there being the hands and feet of Jesus and shining her light. Woohoo! I'm looking forward to Wednesday now. When we can all sit down together and tally up how much we would have spent over the last 10 days and write a check to help build a well.

So. Cool.

Friday, October 8, 2010


When Brad and I "talked" (I say it that way because it was via texting, so it wasn't really talking) recently about adopting he mentioned some obstacles that we needed to overcome before we could start the process.  We discussed those obstacles briefly.  The biggest ones are finances (surprise, surprise) and my ability to continue to work.

I've been a stay-at-home mom for the majority of my children's lives.  Several years ago the opportunity came up for me to get a part time job.  It was perfect because all of the kids were in school and my hours were during the time when they weren't home.  I got nervous when summer came along because it would mean they would be home alone but my oldest was capable of taking care of everything while I was at work and it was only for a few hours a day and only a few days a week.  Within a year there were some major changes at the office and it became apparent that the office would be closing.  So when I had the opportunity to interview for another job I took it.  I was so nervouse about it because it would be full time.  I remember sitting down with Brad saying I just didn't know how things would work out.  How on earth could I work full time?  What if the kids got sick and had to stay home?  What about field trips or parent meetings or school parties?  All those things that I was so blessed to have been a part of in the past.  Would I just not be able to attend them anymore?  And what about summer?  I couldn't leave them all home all day all summer?  It wouldn't work!  Brad just looked at me and I remember him telling me that mom's worked all the time and somehow it worked.  That we would find a way to make it work.  And we did.  The kids all survived me being away and I was still able to attend things every now and then. 

The company I worked for ended up being a not-so-great company.  I had a real heart for the clients there and had some co-workers that became friends but the administration was so - for lack of a better word WHACKED that it just wasn't worth it for me to stay there anymore.  Several months before I decided to leave I started my photography business. In December of that year I told Brad that I just couldn't take the job anymore. We agreed that I would stop working there and take that month to just kind of regroup. I suggested that I really wanted to see if I could make the photography business successful enough that it would be my "real" job. He agreed to let me try but was doubtful that I would be able to stay busy enough that it ever really be a true means of income. Let me just tell you, God has blessed me over and over again with my little venture. He gave me a talent and passion for capturing the lives and relationships of my clients. I'm so grateful that at 37 I finally know what I want to be when I grow up!

My sessions are mainly in the late afternoons and evenings and on the weekends. I do occasionally have sessions in the mornings though so having a child who isn't in school home with me would be a challenge. That's one of the obstacles that we have to figure out. However, I know it will all work out. Whether that means not being able to schedule sessions during that time of day or having a sitter or friend help me with the new kiddo I'm not sure yet. But just like when I started working before and Brad told me that we'd make it happen, I know we will here too. It is an obstacle but not one that I think is going to be incredibly difficult to overcome. And certainly not one that I feel would prevent us from following through with an adoption. Can you imagine saying, "I thought about adopting but decided not to because it just wasn't convenient with my work schedule." Or "Yeah, I'd love to make that 147million orphan crisis one less but I just wouldn't be able to because I work during the day and can't afford day care."

So that leads us to the biggest obstacle there is and one that I think is probably top of the list for anyone considering adoption. Finances. Why's it gotta be so expensive?! It really is kind of mind-blowingly expensive. An international adoption generally costs anywhere between $20K-$30K. Overwhelming. However, there are some organizations in place that can help with the burden of those overwhelming expenses. Organizations like Lifesong and Show Hope which offer financial aid and grants. There is also the adoption tax credit of up to $13,170 for 2011. Then there is of course good old fashioned fund raising. Many families choose to sell t-shirts and other items to help raise funds for their adoptions.

At this time we are discussing when to start the adoption process. Brad would like to wait until our two oldest children are out of the house. They are currently in 8th and 10th grade, so that would be a good 3 or 4 years. My arguement in waiting is that they won't be able to be a part of the process with us. To which Brad says they'll still be around. ;) True. But I think being home occasionally from college and living in the home during the process are two completely different things. I'd like for the whole family to be active in being the hands and feet of Jesus!

I'm seriously considering starting an account to raise funds. The ideas in my head on ways to do that are whirling around like crazy. I'd love to be able to get a head start on things so that when we do start all the proceedings we at least know where some of the funds will come from. I know a lot of the funds will just have to be prayed like crazy for. It's so hard sometimes to step out on faith not having all the funds to move forward. I've been really thinking about that lately because I know that's a big issue in our situation. However, there is a quote from a speaker at the Together For Adoption Conference that has been floating around and really makes you think. What do we mean when we say “I can’t afford to adopt”? We are saying God won’t provide for His children. Are we saying He’s a deadbeat dad? Not so. He will provide! - Robert Gilenas


In the mean time. We must get our home sold. Prayers for a buyer are so so so appreciated. The sale of our home and subsequent move to something much more modest would help us to make it one less much sooner.

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Dreaming big

I follow several people on Twitter and Facebook who are adoption advocates or have their own adoption blogs that I like to occasionally read. This past weekend was the Together For Adoption conference in Austin, Texas. I kind of wish I would have known about it earlier and been able to attend. I think it would have been amazing to be a part of. I wasn't able to go but a lot of the people I follow were there so I was constantly being updated with news of the conference which was pretty cool.

One person I follow on Twitter is Missy from It's Almost Naptime. She updated constantly with all sorts of awesome info which I really enjoyed reading. Her blog entry from yesterday was something I felt was worth sharing. I sometimes worry that my whole entire blog could end up being re-posts from other people's blogs and websites but there is so much great information out there that I really want to share that I guess it doesn't really matter. Right? Forgive me if you've already read this. If not, read on. And be sure to watch her blog the rest of the week as she promises to share information daily from the T4A Conference.

Last night, after spending two days at the Together for Adoption Conference in Austin, I laid down with the feeling you have after a funeral. You know the physical, emotional, spiritual exhaustion that makes you want your bed more than anything? That feeling.

I slept. I slept well.

This morning when I woke up, I had an email from Joel Osteen. (He emails me often, thanks to my friend Jolie who thought it would be cute to put me on his list.)

And here's what Joel had to tell me:

Dear missy,

Victoria and I want to invite you to join us tonight for our LIVING YOUR DREAM webcast. You’ll be encouraged during this wonderful time together as we share life-changing stories about God’s goodness and what He wants to do in your life!

We want you to know that you can experience God’s best every single day. We serve a God of more than enough, a God who loves you with unconditional love. Today, you can be confident in God’s promises and start believing for your dreams!

Click here to share your dream with us!!

I'm thinking I should click there to tell Joel my dreams.

Something tells me my dreams would be a little different than the prosperity "gospel" he loves to sell. Something tells me that my idea of God's best and Joel's idea of God's best differ a little.

I dream that some of the 160,000,000 orphans in the world would 'experience God's best every single day.' I dream that more Christians would 'be confident in God's promises' that the 'God of more than enough' will provide the funds to adopt one of his children. I dream that the Church would notice the many verses in the bible about protecting the fatherless and be determined to share 'life-changing stories about God's goodness' to a toddler who scrounges for food on the street. I dream that the Church would make it her mission to share stories of 'God's unconditional love' with the foster child who has not one person alive who loves her. I dream that the Church would care more for orphans than Hollywood does. I dream that the Church would do more for orphans than the UN does.

I dream that the average soccer mom who loves Jesus was the spokesperson for orphan adoption, instead of Angelina Jolie.

It's going to take more than watching a webcast to see these dreams realized.

I'll be blogging about the conference all week. I've got lots to say. Most of it hurts. Still, I pray you'll read.

Then, let's live the dream.

Friday, October 1, 2010

Sprouted...and growing!

I just went back to look at some of the first few entries into my blog. I started this blog almost a year ago. That was after several months of feeling like our family was being led to adopt. I remember that at the time, I thought that it was something that needed to happen NOW. Like, let's fill out the paperwork. Get this ball rolling. Pronto.

After an initial mention of adoption from Brad, he really started to act like it wasn't something that we would ever really do. And that if by chance we ever really did it would be years down the road.


That wasn't what I wanted to hear. As scared as I felt about the process, I just really felt like it was what we were being called to do. Then when Brad was so reluctant I felt doubt. Why would I feel so strongly about this when my husband so seemingly felt like it was not something we needed to be doing?

My friend Ashley brought her sweet little girl home from Rwanda right around the time that I started this blog. In her own blog posts, she often mentioned that she hoped that perhaps through her family's adoption journey that seeds would be planted for others to do the same. I felt like that seed had definitely been planted but worried it would never sprout, let alone grow.

Today, on October 1st 2010 I am pleased to announce that the seed planted in my heart that has sprouted and grown now seems to be doing the same in Brad's. I've prayed so much over the course of the last year and I know that other's have prayed as well. My biggest prayer has been for Brad and me to be united in this decision. It hasn't been easy and there have been times when I thought perhaps bringing another child into our home wasn't what I should be thinking about and that I needed to be concentrating on helping orphans in some other way. That just never really felt right though.

There is an adoption conference going on right now in Austin, Texas and I tweeted a link to the live feed earlier this morning. Brad texted me and asked what that was about and then jokingly said, "You getting us a baby?" I let him know that no, I didn't have us signed up to bring anyone home anytime soon and his response was, "I'm on board. We just have to work some stuff out."

Praise God!

He has totally worked in Brad's heart and I'm so thankful. And now as much as I want send off an application like yesterday I know that it will all work in His perfect timing. We need to sell our home, find a new one and figure out how I will be able to continue my job with a little person around. So for now I will keep busy with those things. Praying for a buyer. Praying for patience during this time of waiting. And of course just praising God for all the amazing blessings He has provided!

Thursday, September 30, 2010

One less

A friend shared this on Facebook yesterday. Her family is currently going through the adoption process and waiting for their referral.

I'm anxious for a day when I can say that my family made it one less.


Friday, September 24, 2010

Today I will

We have our house on the market right now. Have I mentioned that? We both thought it was the right thing to do. We'd become too worldly. But we resisted that nudge to sell until it got to a point where it was something we really had to do. Instead of a nudge or a gentle push it was a stick-your-foot-in-front-of-you-and-fall kinda thing. It's been on the market for a while now and still hasn't sold. Which in itself is frustrating. Because we felt like we should do it, and then we did it so shouldn't it just all work out? Shows you what we know.

In addition to that we have a house that hubby built that still hasn't sold. He's built many houses over the years and they always sell either during construction or soon after. This house has been done for a long time now. Like, almost a year.

So yesterday we had the realtors tour at our personal home AND we had someone request a showing at the spec house. Finally! Things were looking up! I had wild visions of realtors coming through and one of them knowing exactly the right family for our home. Visions of the showing at the spec house going great and an offer coming through. GREAT things were finally going to happen.

Yeah. Not so much.

The tour did go well and there were apparently lots of great comments regarding our home. That's fine. Hopefully someone who came through yesterday will find the perfect family to live here. The other showing didn't go so well. In fact, it didn't go at all. The buyers cancelled the appointment because they decided they wanted a bigger lot. So frustrating.

Then I came home and hit rock bottom. Well, I felt like it was rock bottom. I think back now and roll my eyes about it. The gas company has our account in hubby's business name so our bills sometimes inadvertantly end up in his pile. So I hadn't seen some of the notices we had gotten recently saying that our bill was past due because I was just automatically putting them in his pile. So while the tour was going on yesterday the gas company came out and shut off the gas. Sweet.

Embarassing? Yep. Hurt our pride real bad. Eye opening? Absolutely. I was so upset. It was my fault that it had happened because I didn't get the bill paid on time. I had a bit of a pity party thinking about how our two houses for sale still hadn't sold and now THIS. Seriously?! Why are all these bad things happening?

Then I really got upset. Because here I am feeling sorry for myself when I have SO much. So things aren't going the way I thought they would. So what! I have a roof over my head. My husband has a job. We have health insurance. We aren't wondering where the next meal will come from. We all have clothing and shoes for every single season.

Eye. Opening.

We got our gas turned back on by the way. After being told that it would be at least a day (there would be a service fee and a large deposit due) hubby called someone who he had dealt with at the gas company when doing construction stuff. Within hours there was someone here getting it back on. Know what else? We had a leak. Was the whole thing a blessing in disguise? What if that had gotten so bad that we all passed out and died? What if the house had blown up? We never would have known there was a leak if this hadn't happened. God takes care of us. Even when I feel like I so don't deserve it, He is there.

So today I will be thankful. I have no idea what the future holds. I have no idea if we'll be in this house for another week or another 10 years. I have no idea what is in store. But I will be patient and endure and trust. Hard as that is for me, my prayer is that I will stay strong and do these things. Today I will shoot a senior headshot session and a family session. Today I will edit a couple galleries to send to clients. Today I will remember to thank God for the gift he has given me in my job as a photographer and all the blessings He has brought me through it. Today I will not have a pity party and whine about what we don't have.

Instead, I will pray for those that don't have enough. For those who have no idea where their next meal will come from. Who have been wearing the same clothing for several days because that's all they have. Who have no idea where they will rest their head tonight.

Break my heart for what breaks yours Lord.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

And I'm...back!

Spring came and the business of the end of the school year sort of took over. Then it was summer. You know, the time when the routines of school and activities are gone and everything is supposed to slow down. Yeah. It didn't quite happen like that. Somehow even with no vacations more than just a few days here and there our summer seemed to whiz by and now here we are almost a month into the new school year already. How on earth does that happen?

In the beginning, when things started getting so busy at the end of the school year and I didn't have time to get on here like I wanted I kind of made a decision to stay away on purpose. I was at the point where I was starting to think that maybe I just needed some time away and some time to NOT focus on the pull I felt to adopt so much. Does that even make sense? I guess my doubts had started to take over and I got to thinking that I was thinking about it too much and I just needed to step back for a while. See if I still felt the pull even when I wasn't here so much, or on other adoption websites, or searching the web for orphans, etc.

I still felt it.

(I still feel it.)

So then I just wasn't posting because I just wasn't. I would think about it several times a week. Things would happen or I'd have a dream or I'd read a text and I would think, "Oh, I want to blog that!" And then somehow I just never did. Until this morning when I was getting ready to go to my first Bible study of the fall semester. I decided I really must get on here and post. And then one of the saddest things happened. I couldn't get on. I forgot my user name and password. And even more disappointing...I couldn't even remember the name of my blog. Wow. That sure hit me hard. Interruptible. I want my life to be interrupted by what He has in store for me and I'm so caught up in myself and things happening that I couldn't even remember that?

Luckily, my friend Ashley had a sent email saved that had my web addy in it and was able to save the day. Or...save the blog.

So where do I go from here? Right now I'm just trying to remember to pray. Often. I feel like I got so off-track, so very off-track this summer and really lost the direction that I felt I had last spring. My husband and I have made a big decision in our lives that we felt for a long time needed to be made but we were just afraid to do it. Now we're at the point where we don't really have a choice. Trusting in God and knowing that He will provide has been especially hard for me these last few weeks. I want to trust. Why is it so incredibly hard? I really thought that something in particular was supposed to happen for us. That if we would just trust and do it then it would come through.

I felt it.

It didn't happen. It's put a big doubt in my heart as to whether or not all these "feelings" are even real.

Monday, April 26, 2010

Have Skittles, will share

Yesterday at church we had a Skittles Sunday. At the beginning of the service there are trays handed out with individual packages of Skittles for everyone who wants them. I'm not gonna lie, it's pretty awesome. Our minister shared a parable about 3 boys who all had Skittles and for one reason or another wouldn't share their Skittles with their Dad. Even though Dad was the one who provided them in the first place. Hmmmmm...

The sermon series we are currently doing is "a tenacious generosity". Yesterday's message was that God provides generously for you to be generous to others in need and this entire process leads to God's glory. God wants us to share our Skittles. He doesn't want us to keep them and hoard them for ourselves but he wants us to be generous to others in need!

I started thinking about the Skittles God has given me. One thing that has come to mind with the possible pursuing of this adoption is where we would put another person. We just don't have room!

Yeah, right.

We have room...it's just hard to think about giving up the space we have to cram more in here. We have been incredibly blessed to be in the home that we are in. The hubs built it so we were in for a lot less than we'd have had to pay for it. We've talked about moving recently but in order to get something that we could "afford" after paying off some debt we would be in an awfully small home. So I got to thinking that maybe this house is a big red juicy Skittle. There's no rule that says the kids have to each have their own room. I grew up sharing a room with my little sister and look how normal I am. (Shhhh, no comments if you know me!) Brad didn't share a room but the one he did have held just a twin bed, a dresser, and a sewing machine table. Obviously, they don't have to have tons of room.

I'm not the perfect PTA mom that I thought I would be. But I like to think I'm a pretty cool mom and a fun one. I love my kids to pieces and would go to the ends of the earth for them. God made me to be a Mom and while I'm certain that I could improve I just feel like the desire he gave me for children wasn't an accident. More Skittles.

Adoption can be expensive and while I know that we don't have a huge chunk of change (or really even a small one for that matter) just ready to throw into the process I know that God will provide. 2 Corinthians 9:8 says "And God is able to make every grace overflow to you, so that in every way, always having everything you need, you may excel in every good work." We may not have have everything we think we need but He will provide enough for us. And when He does, His grace will overflow to us so that we can help others. So that we can be generous. So that we can hopefully bring another child into our home.

I've got Skittles...and I wanna share them!

Monday, April 19, 2010


I'm a crier. I don't know why, but that's just what I do. Drives my husband absolutely insane. Anytime we try to have a really serious discussion I end up in tears. No matter how hard I try my eyes always well up and I have to apologize for the tears. Lame.

So I'm here to say that the past two evenings Hubby and I discussed adoption. And I didn't cry. Not once. Yeah me!

After his suggestion to "sit and talk about where to adopt from" on Friday I started doing some research. I have thought on and off over the last several months about domestic adoption and while I know that there are kids here that need homes I just feel more led to adopt internationally. Saturday I discussed that a bit with Brad. He posed the question of why we wouldn't just adopt domestically. That perhaps God wants us to take care of our "own" before going elsewhere. My response was that I felt like all children are children of God, that He cares about them all no matter where they are. I tried to voice why I felt international adoption was the route we should take. Not only am a crier, I don't have the ability to put my thoughts into words either. It's really a shame. Especially since it all makes so much sense in this head of mine!

I ran across this quote on a blog today and was so happy to know that someone else was able to put my thoughts into words. "While adoptable children in the US might not have families, they will still get food and care. The children in xxx are dying." You can insert whatever country you want to in that quote. After participating in the 30 Hour Famine with World Vision recently and learning statistics that just break your heart I feel more compelled to adopt internationally. I'm sure that map doesn't include all of the countries with hungry children. In fact, the country and it's 5 million orphans that I have been researching recently isn't even represented. However, I think it makes sense to say that while the US has the foster system in place (even if it is lacking) adoptable children here are at least eating. Ya know?

So Friday night I was looking online at a blog that a good friend had referred me to. While there I clicked on a link, which took me to another link, which ended me up completely immersed in one country and the orphans there. Personally knowing families who have recently adopted from Ethiopia and Rwanda I kind of was leaning towards one of those locations until I stumbled across this one. I've just been praying ever since and asking God for direction. I do feel like I "stumbled" upon this place for a reason. There is so little known about it. Perhaps if we adopt a child from there we can help bring awareness of the orphans and people there in so desperate need of help.

Last night while talking Brad voiced his concerns of "starting over". Our kids are all potty trained. They can make themselves a meal if they need to. They are big! I completely understand where he is coming from. And I have those fears as well. I've talked about it before here. The thing is, my heart feels more like it's the right thing to do then it's the wrong thing. You know?

I know some people know about this blog but for the most part I haven't really shared it much. However, if by chance you are here I would just ask that you pray for us and our family as we wrestle with this decision. Thanks!

Friday, April 16, 2010

Still here...again

I have two blog entries that I've been meaning to post. The time just gets away from me and I somehow go days and realize that I still haven't posted. Hate that!

One of my entries deals with dreams. Dreams with babies. Totally random dreams I tell you but I still want to share.

The other entry deals with my last Bible study when I just kinda got another brick thrown at me by God saying HELLO! Why aren't you listening to me? Duh!

Today though I just am posting a super fast entry letting the world know that I'm still here. And that I may possibly be one day closer to officially moving forward.


In texting with my hubby earlier he mentioned wanting to do something fun this evening. I threw out some ideas and then texted "wanna sit and talk about what country you would like to adopt from?". Imagining that I would get some sarcastic remark back I read the response and was a bit shocked. He said, "I don't know. Date Night movie? Visit Memaw? Sit and talk about what country to adopt from?" I mentioned that I was shocked that my idea even made the list and he said, "Even before you sent it".

Even before I sent it? Wait...what? You mean we were both thinking the same thing?


Maybe...just maybe...God is working in his heart too.

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Still here

Every day I think "I really need to write in my blog" and then every night I think "I still didn't write in my blog". I've been sick since I got back from Mexico. Literally. I've done 2 rounds of antibiotics, steriods, and a whole slew of over-the-counter gunk to no avail. Thursday I'll have a CT scan of my sinuses to see if we can figure out what's going on in there. Feeling like poo just makes it hard for me to do much more than what HAS to be done around here and honestly I'm doing really good to even accomplish that much. So my little blog has suffered.

However, I'm still here. Still feeling led by the Lord. Still praying that somehow Brad and I will reach the same point someday...whatever that may be.

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Who needs happy kids?

I've been thinking. Which is generally a dangerous thing for me. But I've been thinking and just trying to take a step back from what I'm feeling. There was some serious discussing going on between me and the hubster. Serious discussing that led to serious tears on my part. Don't freak out too much, it really doesn't take a whole lot to make me cry. I was just frustrated. Frustrated that I can have the feelings that I have and he can have totally different ones.

I don't have any idea what will come from any of this. I try to push it all away and it's still there. I waiver between feeling disabedient to feeling like I can do whatever I want. I pray, pray, and pray some more and end up with even more questions. Questions that I just wonder if I'll ever have answers to. Makes me just want to throw in the towel.

Then I run across a post like this. One that seems to put everything I'm feeling into words. Words that make sense!

Happy kids? Who needs 'em?!

Thanks to my friend for sharing this blogger. I'll definitely be checking her out again.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010


I'm home from Mexico. It was an amazing trip. People keep asking me how it was and I just stumble to find the words to explain what I experienced for 8 days. I don't know that I can ever accurately describe it. It is truly something that a person needs to experience on their own to understand.

Today I am weepy. I'm not really sure why. My head just seems to be spinning. I have a list of things to do that is a mile long but my heart just isn't in any of them. I feel now more than ever that I need to DO something. I had this thought to write today about my fear and was led towards that even more after my Bible study this morning. I got on the computer to do just that and then had a change of heart and thought I'd share some about my trip. About how I'm weepy today and I can't stop thinking of everything I experienced while I was gone. Then I clicked on a link that took me to a link that brought me to this. I knew then that I'd talk about my fear.

I hate that I'm afraid. I hate that I can't just trust and obey. I think that might be why I'm so weepy. I loved Mexico but it's nice to be home in my warm comfortable bed and showering in a hot shower with water who's streams cover my whole body instead of just a tiny portion at a time. I dreamed last night that my family bought a new house and in fixing it up I just couldn't stop remembering my current house and how much I loved it. I woke up angry that I felt that way. Angry that I cared so much about a stupid house.

Am I the woman in Katie's blog entry? The one who says I wish I could do this but then just goes back home to my warm shower and king size bed and sits and waits for the next opportunity to serve for a short amount of time. I don't want to be her. I want to be the person who does what He asks. What does that look like for a wife and mother? I truly believe that God wants me to adopt. I also believe that He wants me to do more than that and live missionally. How do I be obedient to Him when that affects so many others? When the "others" aren't feeling the same thing I am? When I'm so scared and full of questions that I'm just weepy?

Tuesday, February 9, 2010


I'm typing this from Mexico. Piedras Angular to be exact. I'm here on my first mission trip, which is why I haven't been very vocal here. It takes a lot for me to plan to be away from my family for 8 days.

Years ago when my pastor would talk about mission work I would feel a tug on my heart. Since then, I have continued to feel that tug and realized that I truly felt God was leading me to mission work. When my church started talking about the trip to Mexico in February 2010 I decided I would go. As it got closer I got more nervous. Like, really nervous. The day before I left I was a basket case. I couldn't stop crying. Everything I thought about made me well up with tears. I wondered what I was thinking getting involved in this. I thought I couldn't possibly be away from my family for this length of time. I imagined that there was absolutely nothing that I could contribute to this trip.


I'm amazed at everything that I'm feeling. I've made some great new friends. I've experienced living in a completely different way. I've seen people who are just happy to be serving our Lord. I was trusted to operate a nail gun and other power tools that I don't know how to spell. I spent the morning at a school painting a mural followed by time in an orphanage that I will never forget.

Wow. Just...wow.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Praying for Haitian orphans

Did you know that to adopt a child from Haiti it takes a really long time? As in, about a year to get a referral and then an ADDITIONAL 2-3 years of waiting to bring that child home. Wow. No kidding. Way to make it so NOT easy to save those children.

That of course is pre-earth quake. At this point it's going to be next to impossible. Trying to determine whether or not a child is in fact an orphan will be quite a task. There are children who have been referred to families in America who will be "expedited" through. This article talks about how these children will get home...

Press Release

(Port-au-Prince, Haiti) On January 20, 2010, 133 orphans from the Maison des Enfants de Dieu (Children of the House of God) orphanage will begin the difficult process outlined by the U.S. Department of State for humanitarian parole and onward transportation to the United States. In accordance with instructions received from the State Department, as relayed by the Joint Council on International Children's Services (JCICS) at 8 p.m. today, orphans along with orphanage staff members have been instructed to arrive at the U.S. Embassy as early as possible on Wednesday morning. JCICS warned that no food, water or facilities would be available for the children while processing at the U.S. Embassy Port-au-Prince.

JCICS further relayed that orphanage requests to the U.S. Embassy for security and transportation for the children have been denied by the State Department. The U.S. ministry associated with this orphanage, For His Glory Adoption Outreach (FHG), was also asked to stop requesting security, transportation or even water at the orphanage location. Following discussions with staff and board members in Port-au-Prince, the difficult decision was made that all 133 children, including approximately 60 children under the age of 3, will begin early in the morning of January 20th to walk the over 2 kilometers to the U.S. Embassy Port-au-Prince. This decision was made due to the limited staff available and the increasingly dangerous security situation at the orphanage in Port-au-Prince. The staff will carry as much water, food and baby formula as possible with them for the orphans while processing at the U.S. Embassy. JCICS relayed that once processing is completed, the orphans will travel to the United States on "cargo jets to locations that are not often known until an hour or so before the flight leaves."

Kim Harmon, President of FHG, acknowledged that "this arrangement is far from ideal for the safety and well-being of the children. We are calling to all who care about these precious children to pray earnestly for their safety tomorrow."

Yeah, they are WALKING to the U.S. Embassy to catch cargo planes who knows when to finally get out. I pray that they've made it safely. That is just one orphanage.

So what about the children who were obviously orphans prior to the disaster? What about those children now? How much longer will they now need to wait to find families, especially since there could be a hold put on adoptions through Haiti? I followed some links and found this. At this point, I wish I were screened and approved as a foster parent. I would gladly foster a child until they could get back to Haiti.

Please pray for these children.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010


Sometimes I think that if I just ignore it then it will go away. Maybe if I just don't pay attention to the echos and whispers then I won't hear them anymore. Sometimes I think I'm wrong. That I'm not interpreting the echos and whispers correctly. There's no way they could mean what I think they mean. Maybe, as someone recently suggested, the things I "see" are God's way of telling me that He's got it covered. He's got it under control. I don't need to help. After all, I am just one measly person. What good could I do?

Then I get a spare minute and head over to Ashley's blog and read this.


How can I not try to help in some way. Isn't there SOMETHING that I can do?

Tuesday, January 5, 2010


I recently noticed on a friends website a mention of adoption. I sent my friend an email about it and asked if she and her husband were considering adoption. She said they were, that they had been for years and that they were just kind of waiting to see where the Lord led them in that situation. Sounded awfully familiar. One thing she asked though was that I please keep this information to myself because she didn't want people to think that they were just "jumping on the latest bandwagon".

I knew exactly what she meant. How do you go from someone who has never really cared at all to someone who's eyes have been opened to the countless needs of children around the world and NOT have people wonder what on earth has gotten into you. I image when that happens you hear a lot of people mumbling about how you've lost your mind. How maybe you've gotten a wild hair and decided to do something crazy. Or perhaps that other people you know have adopted and you've just jumped on the bandwagon.

I'm not gonna lie, that's been a concern of mine. So much so that I have only shared this blog with a few people. For several months now I have felt that He is calling me to adopt. I've prayed about it. A lot. I shared it with my husband. He's not feeling it. At this point we are both just diligently praying that what ever His will for us, that we both be in line with it. Maybe we'll adopt. Maybe we won't. I'm just excited and anxious at this point to see how He uses me. In the meantime, I started this blog to document my feelings. I've never been a very good communicator and it's often easier for me to work through my thoughts if I write them down. I figured I would share this "secret" blog with a handful of people who I could talk to about it.

One day while on Ashley's blog I noticed that she had added this litle "secret" blog of mine to her blog roll. It was out there for the whole world to see. I kind of panicked at first. I didn't know that I was ready for everyone to hear this information. I got scared. I didn't want to be accused of...jumping on the bandwagon. I thought about asking her to remove the link but ultimately decided that no one would really see it anyway. Right? I mean, did she have readers that would click on that new random link and know it was me? Surely not. Right?


Just before Christmas I got word that someone ran into a friend and said, "So, I guess Brad and Margo are adopting!". Not so much. But, she'd apparently come to my blog from Ashley's. Panic set in again as I realized that people had already seen my blog and there was no hiding it now. Then something crazy happened. I decided it didn't really matter. As much as I'm a people pleaser, the only person that I REALLY have to please is God. And if I'm listening to Him and trying to follow His will for my life and other people think I've completely lost it or jumped on some bandwagon then what does that matter? There are people in the world who aren't free to openly serve my God and here I am concerned about what people might think of me if they knew I believe He is leading me to help orphans in some way? Wow. Selfish much Margo?

I would hope that whoever might run across this blog of mine would take notice that some significant changes are happening to me. That they would remember that who I have been up until this point in my life doesn't have to be who I am for the remainder of my days on this earth. And I pray that at some point years down the road it would be this NEW me that people would think of when they hear my name. Better yet, that they would think of my God and what HE did through me!

Lord, when I stand before You someday may I have much more to show you than the fact that I clung to the balance beam my whole life and played it safe!