Monday, November 3, 2014

Three years

I can't believe that it's been three years since I last wrote in this blog.  A blog where I hoped to share personal information.  Perhaps information on a journey to adoption that I thought would take place.  If I remember correctly, I actually thought that since I had my business blog as well, that I would share information about my personal life there and sort of  merge the two.  That never really happened either.

At church yesterday morning I was incredibly emotional.  Somewhere between the sermon and getting home after lunch I remembered that this blog existed.  And so, I wanted to come and update a bit.  More just as a recollection of things that I will have to look back on in the future. 

So, as you know if you have ever read this blog before, I feel a strong conviction to adopt.  At one point, I thought we were on the road to do just that.  However, over the years my husband has just never been in complete agreement.  I've prayed, fasted, nagged, prayed some more, given him time, etc.  I've even gone so far as to pray that the conviction to adopt would be taken away from ME if it wasn't to happen.  Yet it never does.  In the last couple of years I've just let it go.  Choosing to just bury it deep down as far as I could.  There are times when I've actually thought that we shouldn't adopt anyway.  It's messy, it's hard, I'm not cut out for it.  Yet every time I think that, I feel even more convicted that I'm supposed to.  It hurts to feel disobedient, but it hurts more to think that I would be given this calling and have a spouse that just never agrees to it. 

Our church has an adoption ministry and yesterday they hosted "The Spark".  In the information about what that is we were told that "There are many sparks that can lead a family to adopt or become foster families.  Mission trips, watching others go before you, reading a specific book, attending a conference, a sermon, a tragic accident....  Ultimately, as followers we believe it is a spark from our gracious God.  He calls us to live radical lives in light of his extravagant love.  If God has whispered to you about adoption or foster care, we invite you to join us for this come and go event."  Before one of these events probably a year ago, Brad asked if I'd like to go. Um, YES.  Then something happened and we were unable to attend.  So this time I had hoped that he might just ask again.  I didn't want to nag.  I didn't want to even bring it up.  I wanted it to be his decision to get more information. 

As we walked down the hallway to the sanctuary I saw my friend Rande at the Spark table and stopped to say hi.  Brad asked what it was, I told him, and that was that. 

That was all it took.  The awareness of his non-interest and the tugging on my heart that just continue to fight against each other.  I was pretty much a mess after that.  I tried to do my usual bury-it-ignore-it thing but it was just no use yesterday. 

Our worship set started with what has been one of my favorite songs for the last 6 months or so.  "Lord I Need You."  As I stood there, praying for that tug to just go away I sang, "Without you, I fall apart.  You're the One, that guides my heart."

"Lord, guide my heart somewhere else.  I can't do this any longer."

We started our next song and I sang along, "You call me out upon the waters.  The great unknown, where feet may fail."

"Lord, my feet are great right here.  I can't do the hard stuff on my own."

"And there I find you in the mystery.  In ocean's deep, my faith will stand."

"I just don't know Lord.  It's super duper scary.  Will you REALLY be there?  I'm afraid my faith won't stand."

"Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me, You've never failed, and you won't start now."

"Ok, that answers that I guess."

At this point I had to take my glasses off to try to do something about the tears streaming down my face.  We continued to sing...

"Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders, let me walk upon the waters, wherever You would call me."

"Ouch.  I know where you've been leading me.  Why haven't You led my husband there too?"

"Take me deeper than my feet would ever wander, that my faith would be made stronger, in the presence of my Savior"

It was at this point that I remembered this article that I had read about why we should stop singing this song.  The author suggested that we not sing Oceans, because as we sing about being led to where our trust is without borders, do we REALLY mean that?  Are we willing to do what He is calling us to do?  No matter how ugly or messy or insanely difficult it may be?

"So what?  I'm supposed to just do this on my own?  Am I supposed to convince him on my own?  I need help.  I want to go where You lead me.  I think.  Maybe.  I know I've failed Lord, I just don't know what to do."

"A thousand times I've failed, still Your mercy remains."  We're singing the next song now.

"This is a joke right?  Is someone in  my head?  I mean, someone OTHER than you Lord?"

"Your will above all else, my purpose remains. The art of losing myself in bringing you praise."

More tears.  Lots and lots and lots of tears.

So here I am, at yet another fork in the road.  Unsure of where to go, what to do, and how to get there.  Prayer's appreciated.





Thursday, November 17, 2011

How is it almost Thanksgiving?!

I think I've said this before but I'll say it again...I "think" about blogging here a lot.  It just never seems to happen.  Oh well, I guess if I can get over here and add entries every couple of months it's better than nothing.  Here's hoping it's more often than that though!

So, anywho...

After Eli did his sprint-triathlon in June a few other family members got the bug and signed up for them too.  Here's my sweet Teagan at her very first Ironkids Triathlon.  She decided she wanted to do one and Brad found one that was only 10 days away.  She did awesome!  Especially for only training for a week!

Monday, July 4, 2011

Sadie had a birthday

Oh  hey, lookie there.  I have a blog.  I've kinda ignored it.  Sorry to anyone who might actually be reading this.  Oops.

So lots of stuff has been going on since my last post.  May was super busy business wise and I thought once school was out things would slow down.  Not so much.  Sadie turned 11 on June 4th and Eli swam/biked/ran his first sprint triathlon that same day.  Madi has been super busy babysitting a couple different families and has been on a mission trip to Joplin that was pretty exceptional.  The other 3 have all been to Camp Cyokamo and loved it as always.  Now we're gearing up to head to Dallas for dance nationals and then Nana and Grandpa Camp and Youthquake.  So see, summer is flying right along!

I have spent the last week really trying to get caught up on some work and have decided that I do some personal editing as a treat for getting so much work done.  SO...Haiti pictures have finally been edited!  Well, all but 148 that I found in a file I didn't know was there.  So today I have edited Sadie's birthday party pictures.  She hadn't had a party in 3 years because I don't like to do them unless I can REALLY do them.  I think there might be something wrong with me.  For real.

So without further adieu...Sadie's Vintage Photo Booth Party!

 Sadie requested a rice krispie cake and I found a super yummy recipe that had cake batter in it.  We also had lots of candy, cupcakes and pink lemonade.

In keeping with the photo booth theme, I topped the cupcakes with lips on a stick.

Straws with mustaches on them?  Yes please!

The girls decoupaged wooden frames and will each get a picture to put in it!

The girls had a blast!

And last but not least, a slideshow of the craziness that was the photo booth!

Saturday, May 21, 2011

May 21, 2011

So, apparently there is this guy named Harold Camping who says that Jesus is coming back today. I hadn't heard anything about this until a few weeks ago. Then as the 21st starting approaching I kept seeing more and more discussion about it. I wasn't really sure who Camping was so when I saw a retweet about him on I decided to read it. I was glad I did. Learned about Camping a bit and laughed a LOT.

One last post about the predicted May 21 rapture: "21 Things You Should Know about Harold Camping"

I sure hope that link works. Its totally worth the read. Check out the comments too for extra giggles! I'm posting this from my phone so if the link doesn't work I'll fix it tonight. I'm headed to Miami (that's in Oklahoma) for my nieces high school graduation. Which I'm dressed up for so if the rapture does happen today at least I'm not just hangin out in my sweats!

Sunday, May 15, 2011

Weekend Watch {forgetting to be thankful}

I've started following Laura Parker on Twitter.  She's a missionary living with her family in Thailand and I just really enjoy how real she is.  I like to think we'd be friends if we ever met in real life.

So she's got her Weekend Watch going on where she posts a video and then encourages you to do the same.  I have a video.  I have an answer, or at least thoughts, to her question.  I'm in!

After sharing that her family has been in Thailand for a year now and no one has gotten sick from the less-than-sanitary food that they get from the local market, Laura asks this question:

Dropped the ball on being thankful for something lately?

Um, yes.

I am thankful that I have four beautiful, healthy children who have all been blessed with unique personalities and talents.  In the whirlwind of activities this month it's hard not to get caught up in it all and foget to enjoy it.  Forget to be thankful that they are able to participate in them. 

I am thankful that I had 19 wonderful years with my own Mom who 18 years ago today passed away from ovarian cancer.  Thankful that she loved me so incredibly much and I never doubted that.  Thankful that she was able to care for me.  Remembering all my little friends in Haiti, many of whom have living parents who had to give them away because they couldn't provide the most basic needs.  My mom didn't want to leave me and my siblings anymore than those mom's wanted to give their children away but they had no choice.  As odd as it sounds, I'm thankful to know what it's like to not have my mom with me.  If only in some small way to identify with the orphans that God has put on my heart.

I'm thankful for this busy season at work.  Because it means I have work to do.  Our house still hasn't sold and everything seems to be so expensive but I love what I do and apparently others do too because they keep hiring me.  I get bogged down trying to figure out how on earth I'll ever get caught up when what I really should be doing is being thankful that at least I'm bogged down!

So yep.  I'm thankful.

....for the constant whirlwind of activities

...for the aching in my heart at the loss of my mom

...for the slight panic that sets in when I see how long my to-do list is

I leave you with this.  One of the songs my sweet Teagan sang at her voice recital Friday night.  It was just a few years ago that she tried to sing a song for her Daddy in front of our family and another couple on his birthday.  She got through the first line before she burst into tears from nerves.  She's come a LONG way as you can tell.  Friday night was scary, and she messed up several lines of the song but she did it.  And for that...I'm thankful.

Friday, May 13, 2011

May Madness

Yeah.  I know generally it's March Madness with the whole NCAA basketball thing.  However, in my's May.  Band concerts, voice recitals, choir performances, dance recitals.  It's really just never ending. 

And that's just my own personal family.

Add in the fact that it's time for all the seniors in town to be graduating and if they haven't already had their senior pictures done then they are scrambling to do it NOW...

Well, let's just say I've been busy.

I so desperately want to keep this blog current.  It's just so hard!

Last night we had Sadie's penny arcade with her school, Eli's band concert, and then Sadie's short program for her dance recital.  Tonight it was sending Eli off to the Believe Conference in Tulsa, Teagan's voice recital, and Sadie's first full dance recital for the year.  Tomorrow it continues.

One of these days I'll blog more often.  Promise.  Until then....hope you survive the end of school year activities!

Monday, April 25, 2011

My sweet Teagan

So honestly, I wanna talk about Haiti.  But really.  Can I do that every time I get on here?  I don't think so.  I don't know why.  I guess because I just feel like this isn't the "I love Haiti" blog but honestly I do.  More Haiti happenings in the (VERY) near future.

Here's the thing, I have this sweet little girl named Teagan.  She might be addicted to candy.  Actually, she totally is. For realz.

So her small group at church decided that they would all give something up for Lent. 

When she came up to me at church on Ash Wednesday and said she had given up pop for Lent I wasn't that surprised.  I figured her small group had all chosen something to give up and that's what she chose.  Not a HUGE deal.  But then, she says she gave up candy too.

Not that is a big deal.  Seriously.

She was supposed to have Sunday as a "free" day.  But she goofed up the first Friday and instead of giving up she moved her "free" day to Friday.  That was impressive.  It kinda kept getting more and more impressive.

"Mom, can we stop at the gas station to get a water?"
"No, but you can have a sip of my Diet Pepsi"
"I can't.  It's not Friday."

Conversations like that were pretty much constant.  I am SO proud of my Tea Pot for her sacrifice.  At just 9 years old, she completely realizes what that means. 

I'm sure I'll pay for a lot more dental work in her life, but for now I'm relishing in the fact that she's been sugar free for Lent.  Way to go Teagan, we love you!