I recently noticed on a friends website a mention of adoption. I sent my friend an email about it and asked if she and her husband were considering adoption. She said they were, that they had been for years and that they were just kind of waiting to see where the Lord led them in that situation. Sounded awfully familiar. One thing she asked though was that I please keep this information to myself because she didn't want people to think that they were just "jumping on the latest bandwagon".
I knew exactly what she meant. How do you go from someone who has never really cared at all to someone who's eyes have been opened to the countless needs of children around the world and NOT have people wonder what on earth has gotten into you. I image when that happens you hear a lot of people mumbling about how you've lost your mind. How maybe you've gotten a wild hair and decided to do something crazy. Or perhaps that other people you know have adopted and you've just jumped on the bandwagon.
I'm not gonna lie, that's been a concern of mine. So much so that I have only shared this blog with a few people. For several months now I have felt that He is calling me to adopt. I've prayed about it. A lot. I shared it with my husband. He's not feeling it. At this point we are both just diligently praying that what ever His will for us, that we both be in line with it. Maybe we'll adopt. Maybe we won't. I'm just excited and anxious at this point to see how He uses me. In the meantime, I started this blog to document my feelings. I've never been a very good communicator and it's often easier for me to work through my thoughts if I write them down. I figured I would share this "secret" blog with a handful of people who I could talk to about it.
One day while on Ashley's blog I noticed that she had added this litle "secret" blog of mine to her blog roll. It was out there for the whole world to see. I kind of panicked at first. I didn't know that I was ready for everyone to hear this information. I got scared. I didn't want to be accused of...jumping on the bandwagon. I thought about asking her to remove the link but ultimately decided that no one would really see it anyway. Right? I mean, did she have readers that would click on that new random link and know it was me? Surely not. Right?
Wrong.
Just before Christmas I got word that someone ran into a friend and said, "So, I guess Brad and Margo are adopting!". Not so much. But, she'd apparently come to my blog from Ashley's. Panic set in again as I realized that people had already seen my blog and there was no hiding it now. Then something crazy happened. I decided it didn't really matter. As much as I'm a people pleaser, the only person that I REALLY have to please is God. And if I'm listening to Him and trying to follow His will for my life and other people think I've completely lost it or jumped on some bandwagon then what does that matter? There are people in the world who aren't free to openly serve my God and here I am concerned about what people might think of me if they knew I believe He is leading me to help orphans in some way? Wow. Selfish much Margo?
I would hope that whoever might run across this blog of mine would take notice that some significant changes are happening to me. That they would remember that who I have been up until this point in my life doesn't have to be who I am for the remainder of my days on this earth. And I pray that at some point years down the road it would be this NEW me that people would think of when they hear my name. Better yet, that they would think of my God and what HE did through me!
Lord, when I stand before You someday may I have much more to show you than the fact that I clung to the balance beam my whole life and played it safe!
Well, now you have me feeling guilty about wanting to keep things quiet - you are right about the fact that we should care more about what His plan for us is than what someone may think or say. I guess it is in part because I am such a people pleaser that I worry about what someone will think of something that "makes no sense" to someone who already has children (and so many at that).
ReplyDeleteI need to care more about being obedient to His will, and more important - determine what IS, in fact His will regarding this. I agree with what your better half said to you before about how when you get an idea in your head - you "see" signs everywhere. That is exactly what my better half would say. I am however, the type that NEEDS those kinds of "signs", since I am usually not quiet long enough to hear the "whisper". Think I could ask God to use a bull horn to communicate His will in this area?