Seriously overwhelmed with what God wants me to do.
Seriously.
I shared my blog with Brad last week. He knew what I was feeling. We'd talked about it on several occasions over the last few months. I'm not very good at articulating my thoughts which is part of why I started this blog. So when he read my entries and I shared with him some other details I think he was pretty much shocked. Shocked at how seeing everything all laid out there in black and white seemed to be so real.
Brad is very practical. He needs answers to how this could work. Answers that I can't give him because I have no idea myself. For so long now I've said I would love to have more children. So I can understand why he might see this as something I've gotten into my head and decided it's "from God". Here's the thing though, as much as I love the idea of having more children the thought of actually doing it scares me to death.
My youngest child is 7 years old. How can I possibly start over with a baby? (Because I truly feel that He is leading us to adopt an infant.) We don't have baby stuff anymore. Where on earth would we even put a baby?!
We started having children very early in our marraige so I always imagined that there would be a time when the kids were gone and we'd still be young enough to enjoy each other. Is that possible if we start over now?
I have a new business. One that God has truly blessed me in. But how can I do my job if I have a little one to keep up with? This is actually a question that Brad brought to me last night. He had been praying about the adoption and that concern came to him, making him wonder if it's something that we shouldn't pursue for a while. My answer? I don't know.
I just don't know. My head is absolutely spinning with all these thoughts and concerns. I know the smart thing to do would be to give them to Him. So I do and then once again I am overwhelmed. Overwhelmed with His peace that covers me and reminds me to just trust Him...and obey. Overwhelmed with the thought that this is something He's been preparing me for much longer than I'm aware of. Overwhelmed knowing that somewhere out there I have another child.
Wow.
I can tell you what it is like to have the 7 years between kids...Rachel is 7 yrs 3 months younger than Ben and I just knew that we had another child missing..seriously, it was the most awful feeling at places like the beach or pool and be counting children and panicking because I couldn't find one..and then realise we didn't have that one! It left once Rachel was born thank goodness lol otherwise I would have had to have thought I was going mad :-0
ReplyDeleteWe too, thought that we would have our middle years together, child free. And without the girls that is where we would be now. But, these girls are an absolute joy to us....they seem to have been all the pleasure of parenting left to the end. The boys were so many and so close in age that it was all go and no time to just be and enjoy them like we do with these 2. We still have the energy to keep up with them and they have their youth to help keeps us young :)
We wouldn't have it any other way.
Whatever happens, if it is in Gods will, He will smooth your way and you will feel peace (once you get past your human what-ifs! lol )
Love Karen