Spring came and the business of the end of the school year sort of took over. Then it was summer. You know, the time when the routines of school and activities are gone and everything is supposed to slow down. Yeah. It didn't quite happen like that. Somehow even with no vacations more than just a few days here and there our summer seemed to whiz by and now here we are almost a month into the new school year already. How on earth does that happen?
In the beginning, when things started getting so busy at the end of the school year and I didn't have time to get on here like I wanted I kind of made a decision to stay away on purpose. I was at the point where I was starting to think that maybe I just needed some time away and some time to NOT focus on the pull I felt to adopt so much. Does that even make sense? I guess my doubts had started to take over and I got to thinking that I was thinking about it too much and I just needed to step back for a while. See if I still felt the pull even when I wasn't here so much, or on other adoption websites, or searching the web for orphans, etc.
I still felt it.
(I still feel it.)
So then I just wasn't posting because I just wasn't. I would think about it several times a week. Things would happen or I'd have a dream or I'd read a text and I would think, "Oh, I want to blog that!" And then somehow I just never did. Until this morning when I was getting ready to go to my first Bible study of the fall semester. I decided I really must get on here and post. And then one of the saddest things happened. I couldn't get on. I forgot my user name and password. And even more disappointing...I couldn't even remember the name of my blog. Wow. That sure hit me hard. Interruptible. I want my life to be interrupted by what He has in store for me and I'm so caught up in myself and things happening that I couldn't even remember that?
Luckily, my friend Ashley had a sent email saved that had my web addy in it and was able to save the day. Or...save the blog.
So where do I go from here? Right now I'm just trying to remember to pray. Often. I feel like I got so off-track, so very off-track this summer and really lost the direction that I felt I had last spring. My husband and I have made a big decision in our lives that we felt for a long time needed to be made but we were just afraid to do it. Now we're at the point where we don't really have a choice. Trusting in God and knowing that He will provide has been especially hard for me these last few weeks. I want to trust. Why is it so incredibly hard? I really thought that something in particular was supposed to happen for us. That if we would just trust and do it then it would come through.
I felt it.
It didn't happen. It's put a big doubt in my heart as to whether or not all these "feelings" are even real.