I'm home from Mexico. It was an amazing trip. People keep asking me how it was and I just stumble to find the words to explain what I experienced for 8 days. I don't know that I can ever accurately describe it. It is truly something that a person needs to experience on their own to understand.
Today I am weepy. I'm not really sure why. My head just seems to be spinning. I have a list of things to do that is a mile long but my heart just isn't in any of them. I feel now more than ever that I need to DO something. I had this thought to write today about my fear and was led towards that even more after my Bible study this morning. I got on the computer to do just that and then had a change of heart and thought I'd share some about my trip. About how I'm weepy today and I can't stop thinking of everything I experienced while I was gone. Then I clicked on a link that took me to a link that brought me to this. I knew then that I'd talk about my fear.
I hate that I'm afraid. I hate that I can't just trust and obey. I think that might be why I'm so weepy. I loved Mexico but it's nice to be home in my warm comfortable bed and showering in a hot shower with water who's streams cover my whole body instead of just a tiny portion at a time. I dreamed last night that my family bought a new house and in fixing it up I just couldn't stop remembering my current house and how much I loved it. I woke up angry that I felt that way. Angry that I cared so much about a stupid house.
Am I the woman in Katie's blog entry? The one who says I wish I could do this but then just goes back home to my warm shower and king size bed and sits and waits for the next opportunity to serve for a short amount of time. I don't want to be her. I want to be the person who does what He asks. What does that look like for a wife and mother? I truly believe that God wants me to adopt. I also believe that He wants me to do more than that and live missionally. How do I be obedient to Him when that affects so many others? When the "others" aren't feeling the same thing I am? When I'm so scared and full of questions that I'm just weepy?
Pray like crazy. When I started going on mission trips, Ashley wanted no part of it. She said that was my thing. Its not that I wanted her to go on trips - I just wanted her to start feeling like me and trips is how I got there. I wanted her to feel like we had to do more. So I asked smart people around me how to make that happen. They said, "Pray." So I did.
ReplyDeleteThen she decided to we needed to adopt. It was her turn to pray for me. Pray that I could be man enough to talk about wanting to do more AND then actually do it. We are now on the same page - at least for today. And I think that is because we are BOTH praying that God's will is revealed to us for our lives...and that we will obey.